How Do I Know I've Truly Forgiven Someone? (Part 2 of Our Forgiveness Series)

Welcome back to our forgiveness series at Reviving Hope Christian Counseling in Fort Worth, TX. In Part 1, we explored what forgiveness is and isn't, clearing up common misconceptions. Today, we're tackling a question many of us wrestle with: How do I know I've truly forgiven someone?

The Misconception About Remembering

One of the most damaging myths about forgiveness I hear as a licensed professional counselor in couples counseling is this: If the offense still comes to mind, you haven't truly forgiven.This simply isn't fair, especially when dealing with significant hurts that naturally leave lasting impressions even on the nervous system. Some people have experienced affairs or terrible abuse and thus are in trauma recovery. The wound is so deep that forgetting the betrayal entirely is impossible. It is both unfair and unbiblical to demand that an offense be completely forgotten. Requiring that before calling someone forgiven creates serious relational challenges.

The real question isn't whether you remember the offense. The question is: What do you do with it when it comes to mind?

The Three-Fold Promise of Forgiveness

Many people come from family dynamics where forgiveness was never displayed or taught. This can lead to all kinds of distortion on what forgiveness actually is and leave people feeling guilt or shame for failing to live up to that standard. My hope is to help you understand biblical truth from God's Word in order to understand what forgiveness actually means. True forgiveness involves three commitments:

1. I Will Not Bring Up the Offense Again or Use It Against You

When we've been hurt, it's tempting to weaponize that pain as a Christian couple by bringing it up during arguments or using it to "win" conversations. True forgiveness means laying down that ammunition. It means that you will not be passive-aggressive, aggressive, or passive as a way to retaliate when it comes to remembering the offense (Matthew 5:38-42). In other words, blowing up or shutting down to 'stick it' to your spouse is a sign the offense is still being wielded as a weapon.

Important distinction: Processing the hurt with a trusted friend, spouse, pastor, or in individual counseling is healthy and necessary. That's different from bringing it up to hammer someone, gossip, or manipulate a situation.

2. I Will Not Gossip or Malign You Because of This Offense

Forgiveness means we don't go behind someone's back to defame their character (1 Timothy 5:13; Proverbs 11:13). We don't vent our hurt by tearing them down to others or to one another. It is very tempting once we are hurt by someone to defame their character to others as a way of payback. When we gossip, we become judge, jury, and executioner even while we'd be quick to appeal to grace if the roles were reversed. This is harmful to our own spiritual wellbeing as well as of our spouse's. Even in Christian counseling, we can have the appearance of trying to process something when really we are gossiping about a personal relationship.

Important distinction: Seeking wisdom from a pastor, elder, or Christian counseling to process your pain and determine next steps is not gossip—it's wisdom. The difference lies in your heart: Are you sharing to tear down, or sharing to seek help in loving well?

3. I Will Not Dwell on the Offense or Replay It Like a Videotape

When we've been sinned against, it's natural to replay the offense over and over, savoring every painful detail. We desire to be judge, jury, and executioner when the pain was done against us. In Christian marriage counseling, you can see couples individually rehearse their story to plead before the therapist like a courtroom. But this pattern causes us to see the person only as their offense, which is harmful to our spiritual wellness. They are someone made in God's image in need of forgiveness just like us.

Christian couples counseling can help us release each other from the hurts done because we are reminded that we worship a God of justice who will one day make all things right. We don't have to be the judge.

Forgiveness in Christian Couples Counseling: The Gateway to Trust

Christian therapy understands something crucial when it comes to forgiveness and that is: Forgiveness is not the same as trust, but it is the gateway to trust.

You cannot rebuild trust without first pursuing forgiveness. If you continue bringing up offenses, gossip, and dwelling on the hurt, trust will remain impossible. What will happen is the offense will dominate every interaction. You'll sink into resentment and a cold heart that criticizes that person mentally or verbally.

However, forgiveness doesn't automatically restore trust. The offending party must demonstrate trustworthy actions over time. Forgiveness opens the door and then changed behavior walks through it.

The Biblical Foundation

The parable of the unforgiving servant in Matthew 18 reminds us of a powerful truth: God has forgiven us an unpayable debt. If we are in Christ, we stand completely forgiven—not because we are trustworthy, faithful, or deserving, but because of His grace. Jesus Christ does not dwell on our sin even though He sees it. Our relationship with Him is not defined by a constant recounting of our failures.

He is the one who empowers us to forgive others. We can't do it on our own (John 15:5). We need Christ and His Spirit. But when we remember how much we've been forgiven, extending forgiveness to others becomes possible.

Forgiveness in Today's World

Our culture increasingly encourages cutting people off rather than pursuing reconciliation. In individual counseling, I've seen a troubling trend: people severing relationships with parents and family members in the name of protecting their "mental health". There are genuine situations where severing the relationship is merited, but that should be the last resort. We are far too quick to severe ties in our culture today. Relationships are messy and will challenge you in all sorts of ways. Our posture should be to forgive and let it go or have an honest conversation for the sake of reconciliation rather than severing.

Most parents are doing the best they can. Yes, they will sin against their children—I'm a parent myself, and I know I will fail my daughter at times despite my best intentions. I pray those failures won't be major, and I pray I'll have the humility to ask for forgiveness when they happen.

This doesn't minimize genuine abuse or toxic situations where boundaries are necessary. However, many relationships are being abandoned over issues that are not worthy of complete cut off. Joshua Coleman addresses this in his book here that people are cutting off family if they affect their "mental health" by producing anxiety & stress. These relationships could be restored through the difficult, Spirit-empowered work of forgiveness or a deeper understanding of God's forbearing love towards his people who rejected him constantly. (Romans 2:4)

Moving Forward

Forgiveness is difficult. It's not something we can accomplish in our own strength. But it's what God's Word calls us to, and it's what He enables us to do through His Spirit.

If you're struggling with forgiveness in your Christian faith—whether you need to extend it or receive it—we'd love to walk with you at Reviving Hope Christian Counseling. Our team specializes in trauma, relational healing, grief, porn and sex addiction, anxiety, sex & intimacy issues, teen 13+ and we're here to enter into your story with compassion and biblical wisdom. We see people for individual therapy and couples therapy as well as for online counseling.

Ready to take the next step?  Fill out the contact form today to schedule a session and begin your journey toward freedom through forgiveness.

This post was significantly shaped by Timothy Lane’s “Pursuing and Granting Forgiveness,” published in The Journal of Biblical Counseling (Spring 2005). Lane’s work through CCEF has been a valuable resource in my understanding of biblical forgiveness.