A Therapist's Guide to Biblical Healing and Reconciliation

As a mental health therapist who offers Christian counseling in Texas, I get asked about forgiveness all the time. Good relationships cannot thrive without forgiveness. Yet forgiveness is often misunderstood, even by mental health professionals. Whether in Christian couples counseling, premarital counseling, individual therapy, or family counseling, forgiveness is vital for healthy relationships, to begin the healing process, and to bring about eventual reconciliation. So what is forgiveness from a Christian perspective, and what does God's Word say about it?

Forgiveness is NOT

Forgiveness does not mean you must have no recollection of the hurtful event. That is an impossible burden, especially for someone who has been abused, because they usually never forget the trauma committed against them. Furthermore, God doesn't do that, since He reminds His people of the ways they have sinned against Him—yet still loves them even while remembering every sin we have done and will do (Psalm 106; Deuteronomy 9:7).

Forgiveness does not mean you are not allowed to pursue justice. You can forgive someone and still seek justice rather than vengeance. In other words, forgiveness does replace justice, but encompasses it, because the Cross of Christ is where Jesus endured the justice we deserved so that we could be forgiven (Romans 3:21-26). A Christian is one who can say, "I am forgiven because God's justice for my sin was satisfied in Jesus who experience the justice I deserved on the cross."

What Is the True Meaning of Forgiveness

One of my favorite books on forgiveness is Unpacking Forgiveness: Biblical Answers for Complex Questions and Deep Wounds by Chris Brauns. In it, he compares therapeutic forgiveness and biblical forgiveness. If we are to understand what forgiveness truly is, we must understand how God forgives. Brauns defines God's forgiveness as:

"God's forgiveness: A commitment by the one true God to pardon graciously those who repent and believe so that they are reconciled to Him, although this commitment does not eliminate all consequences" (p. 51).

Since God calls us to forgive like He forgives, then it is important to understand how God forgives (Colossians 3:13). Brauns's definition will undoubtedly challenge any definition of forgiveness that treats it as merely a feeling, makes it unconditional, or removes all consequences. So let's unpack the definition together and highlight the most important aspects.

1) Forgiveness is an act and not solely a feeling

God made a covenant with His people and He is committed to fulfilling their side of the covenant (Genesis 12:12-21). His commitment to His people and His fulfilling of our side of the covenant in Christ provides the opportunity for forgiveness (Romans 3:21-26).

Since forgiveness is a "commitment" and not a feeling, this removes the burden of needing to have warm feelings about what happened to you or about the process of entering reconciliation. It also means that you can still forgive someone even if you have strong feelings about the situation or the act committed against you. In light of these strong feelings, you must be on guard against vengeance or bitterness, even while establishing consequences, because you are committed to pardon graciously—even when the memory resurfaces (Romans 12:18-19).

2) There are Conditions to Forgiveness

Brauns's definition challenges our concept of forgiveness by including the condition that the offender must repent. This is important because forgiveness cannot be fully embraced and reconciliation accomplished until the offender acknowledges their wrongdoing and repents. God does not forgive everyone, even though He invites everyone to be forgiven. They must "repent and believe" in Him to be forgiven (Acts 2:37-41). This does challenge some categories of unconditional love or unconditional forgiveness. For an additional resource on how "unconditional love" doesn't encapsulate the full love of God, check out this article called "Why God's Love is Better than Unconditional".

One thing that must be said is that Christians are called to long for forgiveness and reconciliation even if the person has not repented (Colossians 13:3), since Jesus had an attitude of desiring that we would be forgiven while he was on the cross—even before anyone had repented (Luke 23:34). This means that Christians should desire reconciliation. They should prepare themselves for the possibility that the offender may repent by remembering how much they have been forgiven—and thus forgiving the person before God even if the person does not repent (Matthew 18:21-35).

3) Forgiveness doesn't eliminate all consequences

While forgiveness from God does eliminate the ultimate consequence—since Jesus took the justice we deserved—it doesn't eliminate all consequences. God allows us to experience consequences and disciplines us because He loves us as His children (Hebrews 12:7-11).

This means that there are consequences for sinful behavior even though Jesus has taken away the ultimate penalty. Some of these consequences may include distance, boundaries, lack of trust, or—in severe cases—involvement of law enforcement.

Where Do We Go from Here

Since we have carved out a definition of forgiveness and what it looks like in the Christian faith, this should help us apply it in our relationships as we see how Jesus has forgiven us. Even though biblical forgiveness is a daunting task and we all need it, it is helpful to know that Jesus did it perfectly in our stead. Because we are forgiven by Christ, we can become a more forgiving people by His Spirit. What would the world look like if we were able to display true forgiveness in our relationships?

Christian counseling and Christian community will seek to apply biblical forgiveness, biblical beliefs, and biblical wisdom to help with a person's spiritual wellness or in marriage counseling.

Series on Forgiveness

There is much more to say about forgiveness, as it is a significant topic in the Christian life. Because of this, I will be writing a three-part series on forgiveness to address the topic more thoroughly. My prayer is that you will grow in your understanding of forgiveness and see how deeply Jesus offers forgiveness to you.

Begin your journey of healing from bitterness and anger in your Christian faith through Christian Couples Counseling in Fort Worth whether in person or online therapy. You can grow in conflict resolution that leads to understanding, forgiveness, and reconciliation. Click the button below to explore faith-based couples therapy begin your journey of hope and healing.

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This article was written by Clifton Hickman who has been a practicing therapist since 2020 and specializes in porn and sex addiction. He also has a Foundations in Biblical Counseling from CCEF.