With Lust Comes Anger: Why Sexual Sin and Rage Go Hand in Hand

Every person struggling with unwanted sexual behavior has uncontrolled anger. Most of them do not know that anger is affecting their personal relationships. The goal in recovery from porn use is to not take away their anger entirely, but for them to channel it toward injustice in the right way--for the right purpose--and express it in godly ways. To heal from your behavioral addictions, you must heal the roots of your aggressive anger.

What is Anger?

Oftentimes, when we picture anger, we think of someone unhinged with high levels of anger. However, you can be just as angry while shutting down and not exploding. There are also forms of low-level anger: frustration, annoyance, irritability, pettiness, etc. In order for anger to encompass all of these forms, it has to be defined as "perceived injustice".

Since it is perceived injustice, that perception can be accurate or inaccurate. This can be displayed in a number of facets in someone's daily life. The truth of the matter is that we are all angry about something. Let me give some examples.

Sinful Anger

If I perceive that it is unjust to ever feel inconvenienced, then my unrealistic expectation is that people should never inconvenience me. There will be anger triggers that appear when I am interrupted. This situation deep down displays that I am king and others are not. It even might cause me to react in angry outbursts or cause me to enter into a slow simmer against my significant other.

The slow simmer can lead to bitterness or resentment, which are just as devastating as angry outbursts. Either way, this is selfish, ungodly anger (Psalm 37:8; Ephesians 4:31). It is the same type of anger similar to Satan who "...is prowling around like a roaring lion, looking for anyone to devour." (1 Peter 5:8).

This kind of anger shows a loss of control that doesn't possess any redemptive purposes to it. You become so controlled by your desires that you lose your executive function. Managing your anger truly becomes difficult to do even if you have coping skills. There is a true madness to this type of anger that leads to all types of behaviors--obsessive-compulsive disorder, behavioral addiction, internet porn, domestic abuse, physical abuse, substance abuse, eating disorders, or other mental health disorders.

Godly Anger

Jesus overturned tables because the temple had become a "den of thieves" instead of "house of prayer." (Matthew 21:12-13) Jesus was angry at the injustice of the poor being exploited by religious leaders. Worship was open for all no matter how poor or rich. Godly anger loves others, honors God, and restores what is broken by sin.

Another example is Jesus' anger when He saw a man with a withered hand (Mark 1:41). Jesus heals the man's hand, but he was angry at his sickness. The fall had caused a world where sickness and death inflicted suffering on God's people. Being angry at what sin had done, Jesus healed this man's hand in compassion. This is the biblical idea behind the phrase "hate the sin, not the sinner" (Ephesians 4:26; Romans 7:24).

For research on the difference between godly anger and ungodly anger, David Powlinson's book Good and Angry is really good.

Connection between Lust and Anger

The Bible displays how lust and anger are connected leading to behavioral issues. Wherever lust is lurking, anger is nearby. Lust is an over-desire for something good. When that over-desire is blocked, anger lashes out. James 4:1-3 captures this:

"What causes quarrels and what causes fights among you? Is it not this, that your passions are at war within you? You desire and do not have, so you murder. You covet and cannot obtain, so you fight and quarrel. You do not have, because you do not ask. You ask and do not receive, because you ask wrongly, to spend it on your passions."

Not all passion is wrong. God is passionate for His justice, creation and his people. But misordered loves lead to destructive anger (See Augustine for insight into the "order of loves").

Why Porn addiction and Anger go together?

Consumption of pornography and anger go together. I have never worked with someone who is struggling with behavioral addiction like substance abuse and who doesn't struggle with anger. Anger is one of the signs of porn addiction and lack of emotional wellness. Lust over-desires and when those desires are not met, anger shows up (James 4:3). This can manifest itself as behavioral addictions through pornographic material due to not getting your lust met. This can cause loss of control that triggers fight or flight since they are so controlled by their lust for online pornography. It can also destroy someone's healthy relationships due to verbal abuse or sexual abuse. Anger can cause health conditions and physiological responses like high blood pressure, spikes in adrenal gland activity, and heart disease.

Loss of control can be one of the number of reasons why someone gets angry when things don't go their way. Again, it doesn't have to be explosive anger. It can be the slow simmer or shutting down displayed through passive aggressive comments, closing yourself off, or slowly being indifferent to everyone. The consumption of pornography can be enticing because you feel in control when you are angry you are not, yet you end up being controlled by pornography addiction. Some people end up going to anger management who lose control of their anger.

Addiction to Pornography and Anger at Self

One of the effects of behavioral addiction other than being addicted to pornographic material is a deep struggle with anger. It makes sense that since you have lost control with this behavioral addiction and your sexual relapse prevention strategies, you are losing control with other areas in your life like anger. This is why sexual addiction not only takes your sobriety, but also destroys your relationships, quality of life, and even your physical health due to anger causing high blood pressure.

One of the biggest targets of someone's anger who is struggling with a behavioral addiction is their anger at themselves. Since they lack coping strategies, their anger is directed towards themselves. This hatred of self happens due to their moral incongruence--a deep gap between what they believe and what they do. Being a person struggling with sexual content and yet knowing it is wrong is an example of moral incongruence in behavioral therapy.

The shame of addiction to pornography causes them to hate themselves due to all the pain they have caused. They think they are defective not worthy of love due to this problematic behavior. This isn't how Jesus thought of the woman at the well though in John 4. He didn't hate her, he loved her. Support groups and the church can display God's love towards you when you hate yourself.

Doing it on your own through deep breathing, relaxation tools, yoga-like exercises, assertiveness training, or other relaxation skills can help, but never deal fully with your anger.

The Christ of Loving Anger

Jesus does not hate you or see you solely as someone who is only struggling with addiction to pornography. He does not define you by your past sin of anger or sexual behaviours since you have been raised in Christ (Ephesians 1; 1 Peter 1:3-6). He even hates what this sin is doing to you and yet pursues you.

What would it look like to let Christ order your anger--to feel it to the right degree, for the right purpose, in the right way? What would it look like to experience His love for you through his people?

Don't let your sexual behaviors and the effects of pornography addiction keep you from the greatest love that can truly change you! Don't live a lie as it lets the struggle win!

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Begin the recovery process break the cycle of addiction from Porn addiction with a mental health professional in Fort Worth. Find freedom from pornography consumption by breaking free from sex addiction. There is freedom from anger and pornography addiction. Schedule a phone call to explore individual counseling, support groups, or couples therapy with our Christian mental health services.

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