Talk is Cheap: Earning Trust
Discovery why talk is cheap when growing in trust after discovery of porn or sex addiction. The betrayed partner need more than just words.
Jan 13, 2025
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5 min read
As a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist in Fort Worth, I have heard many things about addiction. Take, for instance, a client below struggling with sexual addiction.
Client: “It’s hard to accept that she no longer trusts my words. This time, I’m genuinely committed to changing my sexual behavior, unlike before, but she remains skeptical with trust issues, even though it was only online pornography.”
Me: “Since your wife discovered your sexual behavior and the physical shock settled, have you done anything differently or made any changes to earn her trust back over time? Therapy is one action, but is that the only action you are using to address your sexual behavior?”
Client: “Other than therapy, I haven’t made any changes.”
Me: “Well, if I were your wife, then I wouldn’t trust what you have to say or believe that you are taking your sexual addiction seriously either.”
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Actions That Earn Trust: Treatment Options
When it comes to sex/porn addiction, most porn addicts know that they have lied and deceived their wives with their addictive behavior. Addicts have reassured their wives countless times that they have stopped, but then they relapse. This often leads to psychological trauma for their wives, which can lead to post-traumatic stress disorder. Porn addicts have promised things are different but then relapse with sexual behavior after a couple of days or weeks. They have withheld relapses or, worse, hidden their affairs with lies. This results in emotional distress and betrayal trauma for their partners due to their emotional attachment to the perpetrator. Wives have nothing else to go by other than empty promises in their romantic relationships, and they want them to “stop it now!” This is why conversations alone from sex addicts carry little weight, as their past lies and deceit have eroded trust in order to hide the trauma perpetrated.
I get that it is a painful experience to be in as you are doubted even when you are trying. However, you put yourself in this situation through your sexual behavior. The most important thing now is for your words to be followed through by trustworthy action. If you don’t have actions that display that you are taking this seriously, then your wife has no reason to believe that you are. She is a survivor of betrayal trauma now and needs actions that display trustworthiness over time. She might even have physical pain that is connected with the emotional hurt of betrayal trauma. Below are some acts that can cultivate trust.
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1) Preventive software: Having this software downloaded to your phone and computer is an act that can cultivate trust, as it will block sites to assist with your partner’s betrayal trauma. Some can have false positives for sexual behavior.
2) Check-ins: Perform daily, three times a week, or weekly check-ins with your wife about the issue. Wives are usually so hard on themselves because they believe they should have seen this coming or ignored it (betrayal blindness). Check-ins help your wife as you are honest about how you are doing with sexual addiction. This way, your wife has an established time to discuss the issue and doesn’t have to initiate this discussion all the time. It is overwhelming for the wife, who is already experiencing trauma-related symptoms, to also navigate your path to recovery. She should not be in that position. The FANOS check-in is a really good one I recommend.
3) Sharing your acting out history: Sharing all of your acting-out sexual behavior is hard, but your wife has a right to know about all the unfaithfulness you committed since you vowed fidelity in marriage. If she’s unaware of details like financial deceitfulness, the individuals involved, sexual behaviors, pornography consumption, or past romantic involvements, it becomes impossible for her to forgive or trust you. Trust still has to be earned, as forgiveness is not trust. Forgiveness for betrayal trauma cannot occur if you haven’t disclosed the specific actions that harmed her and she remains unaware of them. Forgiveness is the first step toward being open to reconciling the relationship, and you can’t get there if you hide. Forgiveness can take time since betrayal is so painful and leads to psychological distress. Porn addicts can have memory loss, especially over financial resources they used when they committed betrayal. They are trying to forget all the pain they caused, so they need to take inventory of it all to share with their wife. This process is called disclosure, and you should seek professional help before performing one.
4) Work on your relationship: This is really important, as your relationship is hurting due to your addiction to pornography. Seek a good couples counselor or talk to your pastor for counseling to help work on your relationship and provide emotional support. Make sure they are very familiar with this issue and can give you tools to help on a daily basis. Entering into your wife’s hurt, listening, and having compassion is so important. The trainings that I have attended recommend doing this as early as possible, even before a disclosure.
5) Accountability partner: Find an accountability partner who you can check in regularly with and who will push you to tell your wife if you relapse with your compulsive behavior or struggle with substance abuse. You can find someone who is ahead of you in your healing journey with sexual addiction—there are many good therapy programs out there.
6) Attend a group: Whether it is SA (Sexaholics Anonymous), which is founded by Alcoholics Anonymous, a twelve-step program, support group, a church group, or group therapy (I offer one for addicts), a great group can provide so much help with pornography consumption, emotional support, and emotional health in this difficult time. It can be a great coping mechanism in light of so much hardship. Support groups can help rebuild trust with your wife, support her through trauma-related symptoms, help you find support from others who understand the struggle, and help you find a mentor who is further ahead of you.
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These are just a couple of ways to cultivate trust with your wife and help you stop sexual addiction that leads to traumatic memories. Just because you commit to some doesn’t mean you will do them forever (you must do 3 and 4 though to have any chance). I am not going to lie to you—it is going to be really hard. You don’t have to fight your internet sex addiction on your own. Jesus longs to walk with you in this struggle and longs to help your wife with her betrayal trauma. As you walk with Him and faithfully step out in actions, Jesus can change you and your marriage. It can become something more beautiful than you ever could imagine as you become the man He wants you to be. Even on those hard days with sexual activity, Jesus is with you, loves you, and will walk with you in this behavioral addiction. Don’t lose sight of how much He prizes you and loves changing you—even if your wife can’t see it due to her trauma responses. For more perspective on this issue, check out Ed Welch’s article here.
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